ABSTRACT
In this contribution, I shall explore the difficulties posed by aversion to apologizing and the relation of this difficulty to the anticipation of shame at the self-indictment that inevitably accompanies acts of apology. This is a widespread problem and, more often than not, the shame dynamics do not manifest themselves as the overt affect of shame or the conscious apprehension of having been shamed. More often, we see reactions to the failure of apology in what later may become understood to be the wake of the anticipation of a shame experience—a paling or diminution of intensity in a relationship or an outright severance of a bond without any official declaration of the rupture of the relationship. In this regard, the reader may recall that the great twentieth-century philosopher, Martin Heidegger, never apologized for his membership in the Nazi party. This omission was not an episode, but continued throughout his life. Whether or not this failure to apologize was part and parcel of Heidegger’s philosophical concern for authenticity is impossible to determine with certainty. I am presuming that all relationships, close ones especially, need repairs, whether very brief ones acknowledged in our code of manners, or formal apologies in which the offender presents himself to the offended and apologizes. Without some ceremony of apology—in person or by phone or letter or 130card—bonds are more likely to be damaged irreparably or relationships lose any quality of intimacy or nourishment.
